Turning new leaves

I am hoping to use this blog as a journal of emotions.

I cannot believe the amount of frustration I feel at this exact moment.  I also cannot believe the reasoning for said frustration.  It's as though my fuse is shorter than ever lately.  I'm sure it's connected to recent marital events i.e. separation, sleeping on the couch.  As I attempt to pull up certain websites like Deseret News or Masterclass.com, I am being blocked due to extremely sensitive filters currently in place on this machine.  This is causing a surprisingly large reaction inside which I can only imagine is linked to my brain feeling trapped and restricted.  My brain doesn't like feeling trapped and restricted.  I'm trying to write out feelings because I hear over and over and over in therapy about how it's supposed to be "so therapeutic."  I grumble as I type this because I still feel frustrated despite taking the time to get feelings out on the page.  I guess it isn't fair to expect instantaneous results but I'm still frustrated.

I am frustrated about my relapsing of late.  I know it's coming about from feelings of loneliness, remorse and guilt.  The addiction seems like the one coping method that won't leave me high and dry.  This is why it's been hard to boot.  I've felt as though people are unreliable.  Even well-meaning, decent people.  The addiction is always there when I need it.  It's been a way to escape and numb out when life seems too much.

At the same time, I'm tired of the addiction.  Tired of relapsing.  It's such a waste of time and energy.  It's nothing productive and leaves me feeling no better off after an incident.  Part of my hope in turning a new leaf is that I not only get back to some good recovery from addiction but also show Ceci and myself what my new life perspective is all about.  Over the last several weeks, I've given loads of thought to what fuels the addiction and rocks my inner sense of worth.

It just so happens that I put a ton of stock in Ceci's opinions and attitudes.  Or at least I used to.  Actually, I still do to a point but I'm training my brain to stop taking every fleeting word from Ceci as some sort of decree set in stone to last the eternities.  I also need to stop concluding that when Ceci seems irked, it somehow means that I am the root of all evil.  This new perspective is a breath of fresh air and one that I believe will be a bedrock to guide other beliefs and behaviors.

When I think about Ceci, I miss her.  I miss the laughs we share.  I miss close connection.  I miss feeling like I can be her support.  I miss sitting down to watch our favorite shows.  I miss going to new restaurants together.  I hope she'll forgive my wrongdoing.  I hope we can forge a better life than we've had in the past.  I hope we can travel together.  I hope we can go to the temple as a couple to do sealings.  I hope I can continue to keep healthy perspective and remember that even if I am the reason for causing frustration, I can be assured in knowing that I'm not a villain.

I guess I'm not feeling frustrated now.  Maybe this writing thing isn't so pointless after all.