I think I've had a mental breakthrough. I seem to be a creature that craves validation. I'm positive this is symptomatic of other underlying issues. I've just felt a nagging sensation for years that I need to have some sort of sensational career with the ability to take my family on fanciful vacations and Disney cruises. I swear it all stems from this inner insecurity and question of whether or not I'm enough as a human being.
If I was comfy in my own skin just doing my thing, why would I need any of those things? Especially when I have knowledge of the gospel. Knowledge of being a child of heavenly parents giving me inherently divine, eternal worth. Of course I practically forget this on a daily basis and take that knowledge completely for granted.
I'm sure so many people in the world would give anything to have an assurance that there's more to life and that we continue to live beyond death, etc.
I've been guilty of buying into what society and media portray: you need to look "physically desirable," have a fancy career, be financially secure. On and on and on. Quick example. Yesterday my wife and I saw Ant-Man. It was awesome. It stars well-known actor Paul Rudd. Last night I hopped on Facebook and right before lies this video clip of some dude racing around the streets of NYC with Paul Rudd in tow interviewing random strangers to see if they'd have sex with Paul Rudd for a dollar. Every woman except 90-year-old looking lady enthusiastically agreed they would, most of them saying they would for free. My immediate take-away? Paul Rudd has MADE IT. Why? Women find him physically appealing, he is a celebrity with surely oodles of cash and he seems to just have it all together. To top it off he is married with two children. It would certainly seem like he has it all.
So. Do I need any of these things to be a worthwhile, fulfilled human being? HELLZZZ to the no. So why have I been buying into some of this thinking to the contrary? Insecurity. My inner questioning of whether I'm enough, whether I'm good enough, etc has made me hyper-aware of others out there who have worldly accolades and comforts.
Why do people feel the need to be a superstar? I've decided they crave validation because they're insecure and not assured of their worth. I seriously feel like I've spent the last few years chasing dreams with the same zeal as Rachel Barry on Glee. I have been Rachel Barry from Glee. Super-focused in hot pursuit of something akin to stardom with the underlying thought: "If I'm in the spotlight and everyone cheers for me THEN I WILL HAVE ARRIVED. THEN I WILL HAVE PROOF that my existence matters.
I don't know when all this thinking started for certain. I do know that having grown up with a passion for theater and the stage, it's assuredly been going for a long time. This really does take me back to High School days. Back then, I wanted nothing more than to be the lead role of any show. I finally sampled that in my senior year production of Compleat Works of Shakespeare. It was a major success in many respects. We brought in more money than most other Lone Peak High productions for a fraction of the cost in putting it on. I was regularly praised by fellow students who came to the show. To this day, I still remember bumping into some parent weeks after the show concluded who just couldn't find the words to describe how great he thought we were. Years later one of my good actor friends mentioned Stacia mentioned in passing how great she thought I was in that show. To this day, Melanie Parry periodically reminds me how great I was in Compleat Works. The "success" of me being in that spotlight still follows me even in the tiniest degree to this day. And it bodes well inside. It brings me excitement and delight.
I have been craving that feelings in recent years. As silly as it seems to be longing for the feeling I get from some small-scale High School show. I'm positive this is what drives me crazy when I can't seem to get a YouTube channel to take off or build a "successful" career full of accolades.
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