I've been stressing a bunch the last couple days. I suspect it has loads to do with readjusting to newborn stage of life in addition to a new job. I have mixed feelings about my job right now. On the one hand, it's a decent job. It pays the bills, provides benefits, keeps me on my toes (literally even) and it challenges me regularly. I don't have the ongoing concern of being let go at sudden notice which is a relief.
On the other hand, my manager stresses me out pretty much all the time he's present. It's not something in my top chosen field (it is still sales after all). It also requires me doing retail sales for a full year before I could even possibly move on to anything else.
Ceci seems glad that I have this job. That's good to a point. I'm glad she feels that way. I admit that overall it's a decent, steady position that seems to cover our needs. I periodically pose some questions though. Am I just settling for any old job? Is there something more or something different I should be actively working toward? These are the type of questions that plague me on a daily, sometimes hourly basis.
I don't know how to reconcile them either. On the one side of things, maybe there's something to be learned from trying to just sit still and embrace whatever comes. On the other side, I always fear and wonder if I ought to be pouring over how to reach for my other goals. I just feel like I'm meant for more than this. Meant for more than a sales job. This isn't to try and sound whiny or ungrateful. I appreciate having a job. I keep hoping and trying to not come across like any of this is beneath me at all. I also continue to constantly question how much of this is really prompted from any source outside of myself. It's an ongoing battle deciphering what is spiritual direction versus parts of my brain like anxiety dictating how I should feel or act. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get the hang of deciphering between the two.
Even as I write this I worry that I'm just a broken record because Ceci has more or less heard this countless times. Am I just obsessing again? Am I doomed to move from obsession to obsession for all my days?
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