Turning new leaves

I am hoping to use this blog as a journal of emotions.

I cannot believe the amount of frustration I feel at this exact moment.  I also cannot believe the reasoning for said frustration.  It's as though my fuse is shorter than ever lately.  I'm sure it's connected to recent marital events i.e. separation, sleeping on the couch.  As I attempt to pull up certain websites like Deseret News or Masterclass.com, I am being blocked due to extremely sensitive filters currently in place on this machine.  This is causing a surprisingly large reaction inside which I can only imagine is linked to my brain feeling trapped and restricted.  My brain doesn't like feeling trapped and restricted.  I'm trying to write out feelings because I hear over and over and over in therapy about how it's supposed to be "so therapeutic."  I grumble as I type this because I still feel frustrated despite taking the time to get feelings out on the page.  I guess it isn't fair to expect instantaneous results but I'm still frustrated.

I am frustrated about my relapsing of late.  I know it's coming about from feelings of loneliness, remorse and guilt.  The addiction seems like the one coping method that won't leave me high and dry.  This is why it's been hard to boot.  I've felt as though people are unreliable.  Even well-meaning, decent people.  The addiction is always there when I need it.  It's been a way to escape and numb out when life seems too much.

At the same time, I'm tired of the addiction.  Tired of relapsing.  It's such a waste of time and energy.  It's nothing productive and leaves me feeling no better off after an incident.  Part of my hope in turning a new leaf is that I not only get back to some good recovery from addiction but also show Ceci and myself what my new life perspective is all about.  Over the last several weeks, I've given loads of thought to what fuels the addiction and rocks my inner sense of worth.

It just so happens that I put a ton of stock in Ceci's opinions and attitudes.  Or at least I used to.  Actually, I still do to a point but I'm training my brain to stop taking every fleeting word from Ceci as some sort of decree set in stone to last the eternities.  I also need to stop concluding that when Ceci seems irked, it somehow means that I am the root of all evil.  This new perspective is a breath of fresh air and one that I believe will be a bedrock to guide other beliefs and behaviors.

When I think about Ceci, I miss her.  I miss the laughs we share.  I miss close connection.  I miss feeling like I can be her support.  I miss sitting down to watch our favorite shows.  I miss going to new restaurants together.  I hope she'll forgive my wrongdoing.  I hope we can forge a better life than we've had in the past.  I hope we can travel together.  I hope we can go to the temple as a couple to do sealings.  I hope I can continue to keep healthy perspective and remember that even if I am the reason for causing frustration, I can be assured in knowing that I'm not a villain.

I guess I'm not feeling frustrated now.  Maybe this writing thing isn't so pointless after all.

07-18-15

I think I've had a mental breakthrough.  I seem to be a creature that craves validation.  I'm positive this is symptomatic of other underlying issues.  I've just felt a nagging sensation for years that I need to have some sort of sensational career with the ability to take my family on fanciful vacations and Disney cruises.  I swear it all stems from this inner insecurity and question of whether or not I'm enough as a human being.

If I was comfy in my own skin just doing my thing, why would I need any of those things?  Especially when I have knowledge of the gospel.  Knowledge of being a child of heavenly parents giving me inherently divine, eternal worth.  Of course I practically forget this on a daily basis and take that knowledge completely for granted.

I'm sure so many people in the world would give anything to have an assurance that there's more to life and that we continue to live beyond death, etc.

I've been guilty of buying into what society and media portray:  you need to look "physically desirable," have a fancy career, be financially secure.  On and on and on.  Quick example.  Yesterday my wife and I saw Ant-Man.  It was awesome.  It stars well-known actor Paul Rudd.  Last night I hopped on Facebook and right before lies this video clip of some dude racing around the streets of NYC with Paul Rudd in tow interviewing random strangers to see if they'd have sex with Paul Rudd for a dollar.  Every woman except 90-year-old looking lady enthusiastically agreed they would, most of them saying they would for free.  My immediate take-away?  Paul Rudd has MADE IT.   Why?  Women find him physically appealing, he is a celebrity with surely oodles of cash and he seems to just have it all together.  To top it off he is married with two children.  It would certainly seem like he has it all.

So.  Do I need any of these things to be a worthwhile, fulfilled human being?  HELLZZZ to the no.  So why have I been buying into some of this thinking to the contrary?  Insecurity.  My inner questioning of whether I'm enough, whether I'm good enough, etc has made me hyper-aware of others out there who have worldly accolades and comforts.

Why do people feel the need to be a superstar?  I've decided they crave validation because they're insecure and not assured of their worth.  I seriously feel like I've spent the last few years chasing dreams with the same zeal as Rachel Barry on Glee.  I have been Rachel Barry from Glee.  Super-focused in hot pursuit of something akin to stardom with the underlying thought:  "If I'm in the spotlight and everyone cheers for me THEN I WILL HAVE ARRIVED.  THEN I WILL HAVE PROOF that my existence matters.

I don't know when all this thinking started for certain.  I do know that having grown up with a passion for theater and the stage, it's assuredly been going for a long time.  This really does take me back to High School days.  Back then, I wanted nothing more than to be the lead role of any show.  I finally sampled that in my senior year production of Compleat Works of Shakespeare.  It was a major success in many respects.  We brought in more money than most other Lone Peak High productions for a fraction of the cost in putting it on.  I was regularly praised by fellow students who came to the show.  To this day, I still remember bumping into some parent weeks after the show concluded who just couldn't find the words to describe how great he thought we were.  Years later one of my good actor friends mentioned Stacia mentioned in passing how great she thought I was in that show.  To this day, Melanie Parry periodically reminds me how great I was in Compleat Works.  The "success" of me being in that spotlight still follows me even in the tiniest degree to this day.  And it bodes well inside.  It brings me excitement and delight.

I have been craving that feelings in recent years.  As silly as it seems to be longing for the feeling I get from some small-scale High School show.  I'm positive this is what drives me crazy when I can't seem to get a YouTube channel to take off or build a "successful" career full of accolades.

07-15-15

More free association.  Ready GO!

At the moment I sense a bit of anxiousness.  I think it's carry-over from work earlier today.  I'm not hugely worried about it.  I'm actually rather pleased with how non-affected I was when I got picked up from work and the kids were wailing in the car.  I felt surprisingly fine.

I'm a bit flustered about my work-out schedule right now though.  If I had my way I'd exercise every weekday but it seems hard to pull off especially with a newborn.

I think I'm gradually coming to terms with some excellent insights I heard from Ceci yesterday about finances.  If we were rolling in dough financially, we wouldn't be learning financial responsibility the way we are now.  I get the sense that I've spent years fantasizing about having plenty of money for a number of reasons.  I really do hope that we'll be in a financially well-off enough place some day to do some good in the world.  I truly do hope this.  I cannot help but wonder though if I've used this as a cover-up for some underlying issues.

I'm slowly unearthing some feelings in recent days/ weeks.  It seems to me now that I've equated financial independence and abundance with having worth as a person.  I sense that I've deluded myself into thinking that if I don't have a secure financial standing then that means I have failed as a person therefore I am not "good enough."

Anyway, that's my contribution for today.  Until tomorrow!

07-14-15

I'm doing some writing right now because it seems like I keep having this periodic voice in my head stating the single word:  writing.

Either I'm starting down the road of schizophrenia or perhaps it's some form of prompting.  I'm hoping the former since it seems to come up in highly spiritual settings like when I received a priesthood blessing last Sunday.

Part of me thinks maybe this random voice could be encouraging me to write as a creative outlet.  Part of me thinks I might just need to journal/ blog more.  Supposedly it helps to write out feelings.  I certainly had a difficult last couple days so perhaps with any luck writing out feelings will help alleviate that.

I am not pleased with how I handled a major cry spell from Bentley on Sunday.  I also wasn't pleased with how much I spazzed out when Ceci snapped at me.  Blech.  I'd rather avoid all that if possible.  I would like to treat the fam with gentleness and love.  No more, no less.  So that's the plan.

I will now attempt a bit of free association to see if any feelings work their way out.  Overall, I feel pleased with life.  My job stresses me out at times but it's manageable overall.  Oddly enough that might be the first time I can say that in years.  I have some inner concerns about how good of a dad I am.  I try my best, I hope to do my best.

I have some inner nerves about the upcoming birthday celebration for James.  I get nervous at the prospect of being around my other family members.  This makes sense given the history.

I really do love Ceci and I was thinking tonight about how excellent of a mother she is.  I'm so pleased with how she rears our children.

There.  That should do for free associating tonight.

07-12-15

I've been stressing a bunch the last couple days.  I suspect it has loads to do with readjusting to newborn stage of life in addition to a new job.  I have mixed feelings about my job right now.  On the one hand, it's a decent job.  It pays the bills, provides benefits, keeps me on my toes (literally even) and it challenges me regularly.  I don't have the ongoing concern of being let go at sudden notice which is a relief.

On the other hand, my manager stresses me out pretty much all the time he's present.  It's not something in my top chosen field (it is still sales after all).  It also requires me doing retail sales for a full year before I could even possibly move on to anything else.

Ceci seems glad that I have this job.  That's good to a point.  I'm glad she feels that way.  I admit that overall it's a decent, steady position that seems to cover our needs.  I periodically pose some questions though.  Am I just settling for any old job?  Is there something more or something different I should be actively working toward?  These are the type of questions that plague me on a daily, sometimes hourly basis.

I don't know how to reconcile them either.  On the one side of things, maybe there's something to be learned from trying to just sit still and embrace whatever comes.  On the other side, I always fear and wonder if I ought to be pouring over how to reach for my other goals.  I just feel like I'm meant for more than this.  Meant for more than a sales job.  This isn't to try and sound whiny or ungrateful.  I appreciate having a job.  I keep hoping and trying to not come across like any of this is beneath me at all.  I also continue to constantly question how much of this is really prompted from any source outside of myself.  It's an ongoing battle deciphering what is spiritual direction versus parts of my brain like anxiety dictating how I should feel or act.  Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get the hang of deciphering between the two.

Even as I write this I worry that I'm just a broken record because Ceci has more or less heard this countless times.  Am I just obsessing again?  Am I doomed to move from obsession to obsession for all my days?

06-12-15

Video link:  http://omeleto.com/199433/

I have been very surprised by some insights gleaned from graduation speech not long ago.  Delivered by none other than Jim Carrey.  Here are some of the highlight quotes:

"You can fail at what you don't want so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love."

"The purpose of my life had always been to free people from concern."

"I dedicated myself to that ministry, what's yours?  How will you serve the world?  What do they need that your talent can provide?"

"The effect you have on others is the most valuable currency there is."

"Everything in your life will rot and fall apart and all that will be left of you is what was in your heart."

"Risk being seen in all of your glory."

"It's about letting the universe know what you want and working toward it while letting go of how it comes to pass."

"Hope walks through the fire and faith leaps over it."



Hearing his address also reminds me of the motivational speaker Les Brown.  One of the most interesting points I've heard Les make when referring to how we shape our lives and our futures is this:

"How is not your business."

I have been needing to take this concept to heart.  Too long have I wanted to steer my destiny 100 percent.  I'm really striving to maintain a more "Jesus take the wheel" attitude these days.  I hope I can keep it up.

Anyway, today was a crazy busy day at the store but, as Ceci pointed out, this job does seem to suit me.  I find it interesting that while we were slammed most of the work day and I didn't get out until after 7pm, my anxious levels don't seem particularly elevated.  This pleases me.

06-11-15

As I sit back for a moment and reflect on my day, I also reflect on life and reflect on my feelings.  I am uncertain entirely what I feel.  I feel very content with the family life I am trying to build and foster.  I am pleased with the state of my marriage.  

At the same time, however, I have a sense that my life is almost on pause.  As if I'm being held back from something.  I have long suspected that God has big plans for me but I keep trying to not think about it too much, considering that I very easily start obsessing over it.  I don't like obsessing over things.  Nothing good ever results from obsessing.  

I have a good job but I don't know that it's the place I'll be five years from now.  I found out today that the company expects employees like me to remain in this retail sales position for a year before any sort of advancement or promotion.  In times past this might have been a major blow but it doesn't feel that way today.  

On the plus side, co-worker Frank was saying today that there is quite a bit of job security being in this position because it is a union job which means a manager cannot just up and fire someone willy nilly.  What a huge relief that was to hear.  I sense that my level of nerves dropped palpably upon discovering that.  

The down side from today is I've begun noticing some soreness in my left wrist.  I attribute it to typing in an uncomfortable fashion at work while standing throughout the day.  I changed up the keyboard so hopefully that will help but my co-workers apparently deal with the same thing.  Frank even had to get some physical therapy at one point.  I'm hoping that won't be me.